27/11/2013

need for creed

History was so much easier when there were captions everywhere.
A few stiff drinks later and I think I now have the patience to finish this.Yes we're back and while you were gone things were all happening in this vague historical facsimile of the American Revolutionary War. Must admit it takes a lot of effort to make a Revolution a chore, tedious even. With grim determination the overlords at Ubisoft have made it so, so before I fall over, where did we leave off?

Ah yes, our hero was in jail. A condemned man, a corpse in waiting, cornered by improbable foes in improbable circumstances. Against all odds (that is to say to the utter bewilderment of no one at all) our hero escapes the noose and is out and about ventilating fools on the Frontier in no time. At that point the game lost its mind and became compelling for a brief spell. I'll spare you detailed spoileriffics but suffice to say our hero Connor teams up with his Templar dad in a deadly alliance to seek out a common foe and predictably it all ends in betrayal and whatnot. Then we went back to the fantastic future of the here and now where man of the moment Desmond Miles saves his dad from Templar proxies on the hunt for some mystical doodad that will save the world from a catastrophe with impeccable credentials.

Deep breath. So this is how we got to here, what I hope is this game's final furlong. I've got the need for creed or a brain hemorrhage or something. Anyhow our hero Connor has the final big bads in his sights and won't stop until shallow, unmeaningful drama brings this story to its conclusion. But first our standard issue father/mentor Achilles is suddenly succumbing to a bad case of old age and only a solemn promise to kill everything can keep him alive long enough to presumably die at a more poignant moment later. Sure thing Obi Wan, sure thing.

To the next mission and its a naval battle, urghh. For some these were a highlight of the game, for me not so. I find it the contrast between steering a bulky ship and travelling swiftly on-foot to be more than a touch awkward. Its like putting apples into Orange Simulator 2013. Umm yeah, that's not a thing that exists. Back to the ship, the scene is set, the music soars and I load, reload and die repeatedly in a grim futile statement on life itself. Somehow dramatic sea battles become less and not more dramatic on subsequent attempts. Amazeballs I know but someone might want to look into that.

Shortly before I died for the tenth time.


The battle thoroughly depleted of drama and tension I finally score a win. Then our hero sneaks into the enemy fort to ninja kill another all-knowing all-seeing Templar. A ship attack/diversion goes as planned or not as our hero is temporarily exploded leaving him talking in monosyllabics. We have no time for the basic rules of storytelling here obviously. So we run into Papa Templar who's been waiting for us and a fight ensues. I'm on the edge of something, possibly my seat. 

Suddenly he's dead but we've got Templar head honcho Charles Lee who still looms at large. Attending the funeral of Papa Templar, we get some A-grade villainous monologuing from Chaz and its back to fisticuffs. I would recap more but suffice to say more events transpire and we end up in a chase scene. Some light mortal wounding and the game literally crawls to a halt as our hero takes his last dying steps in search of his nemesis. I shit you not, these guys half kill each other, then each dude takes a seperate boat trip to a random pub in the middle of nowhere, and then we kill him. Let me spell this out, there is a motherfucking interval in this supposedly epic climax. Like the developers were too fixated on way-cool moments to think of any better way to string them together in a plot. 

Anyway things happen, the end. Oh I could go into detail but the details clearly don't matter here.
White flag. Game over. I am done.